I just joined hellosundaymorning.org I am not going to drink for 30 days -- maybe even three months as is HSM's base.
I want to see what happens - because as much control as I think I have - I need to prove it to myself.
Hoping to express some of the emotions that come up in my art -- and my daily outlook? Who knows?
I have so much to live for, so many things I want to do... and I still feel like half my life was washed away in a storm of abuse and violence.... I am going to honor that past by reinventing who I am and finding the life I want.
I have the chance - and I dont want to waste it and I think alcohol is getting in my way... Im looking to go back to enjoying wine etc., but with a fresh outlook...
Complex-PTSD is not something that ever goes away - I have been haunted by it lately, it hurts inside and I think thats why my drinking has ramped up. But then I try to pull up those small incredible moments I have had:
- like my last trip to Japan (I love that I got to travel as much as i did) - traveling alone -- seeing Mount Fuji come out of the clouds while standing on the black sanded beach of Kamakura in the rain. I took a stone from that beach to mark the memory. I was wearing a very nicely fashioned trash bag to stay at least partially dry. No way I was not going to stand on that beach and breathe...
- I like to do things for myself, by myself. Riding my motorcycle, something about the performance, attention and precision involved... self accomplishment I suppose and again, it alters your thinking, perception etc. I think to its an act of defiance too - dont ever tell me I cant do something. Its a way to prove to myself I survived my early years and came out on top... it feels great to not need 'help' and handle things myself - and this was something I wanted to become good at.
I am thinking I will sell it soon, Im always suited up head to toe, but the danger factor on busy roads cannot be ignored. I'm starting to think its not fair to my husband when Im riding. He thinks its totally hot of course;)) but I know he worries, and perhaps that trade-off is too great and a bit selfish... holding pattern for now - but that is what Im leaning toward