Hello Sunday Morning, Japan and a Ninja

I just joined hellosundaymorning.org   I am not going to drink for 30 days -- maybe even three months as is HSM's base. 
I want to see what happens -  because as much control as I think I have - I need to prove it to myself. 
Hoping to express some of the emotions that come up in my art -- and my daily outlook? Who knows? 
I have so much to live for, so many things I want to do... and I still feel like half my life was washed away in a storm of abuse and violence.... I am going to honor that past by reinventing who I am and finding the life I want.
I have the chance - and I dont want to waste it and I think alcohol is getting in my way... Im looking to go back to enjoying wine etc., but with a fresh outlook...

Complex-PTSD is not something that ever goes away - I have been haunted by it lately, it hurts inside and I think thats why my drinking has ramped up.  But then I try to pull up those small incredible moments I have had:

 - like my last trip to Japan (I love that I got to travel as much as i did) - traveling alone -- seeing Mount Fuji come out of the clouds while standing on the black sanded beach of Kamakura in the rain.  I took a stone from that beach to mark the memory.  I was wearing a very nicely fashioned trash bag to stay at least partially dry.  No way I was not going to stand on that beach and breathe...

- I like to do things for myself, by myself. Riding my motorcycle, something about the performance, attention and precision involved... self accomplishment I suppose and again, it alters your thinking, perception etc.   I think to its an act of defiance too - dont ever tell me I cant do something.  Its a way to prove to myself I survived my early years and came out on top... it feels great to not need 'help' and handle things myself - and this was something I wanted to become good at.

I am thinking I will sell it soon, Im always suited up head to toe, but the danger factor on busy roads cannot be ignored. I'm starting to think its not fair to my husband when Im riding. He thinks its totally hot of course;))  but I know he worries, and perhaps that trade-off is too great and a bit selfish...  holding pattern for now - but that is what Im leaning toward

Travel memories, and lone experiences, like education... no one can ever take these things away from you and they are yours alone.  Experiences are so much more meaningful than 'things'.  The make us who we are and can alter our way of thinking, perceiving.   Forging ahead....

Urge surfing, Life is a Trip, surfing vs, drowning

I just learned about the term "Urge Surfing".
It applies to addictions - but I believe it could come into play with feelings of frustration, guilt, anger - those times of fight or flight when you feel you might (or want to) give up and do something stupid.

The idea is to think of the urge, issue, frustration, trigger point etc. as a large wave -- and it's peaking.... think about riding that wave, get on top of it... surf the urge.  Eventually, as sure as the world turns -- that wave is going to break and plummet and recede.  So if you can surf on top and ride the urge - you can ride it down.  Own it, rather than it owning you.  Ok, yes, the wave will crest again -- but perhaps not nearly as large and you can surf it even easier. Then again - it can hit Tsunami proportions -- well, imagine the power in at least trying to command that friggin wave and not succumbing to it -- even that waves gotta come down some time.

I've Urge Surfed I realize -- figuratively through years of abuse/PTSD -- the drill.

 But I also did it literally - alone, in the middle of the night on a wild beach in Costa Rica - I've traveled the world alone... a lot.

I hit the crest of a wave, thrilled by the power - but one of them, it took me out.  I was tumbled under - realizing no chance for air - and there were rocks coming up around shore. I wondered how soon it'd be before I lost consciousness -- or banged my body head into the shore and how long it'd be before anyone found me -- and how much that mattered.  Weird thing here -- I never felt so alive, so curious - so relaxed in having tried and lost control.  I did get tumbled out onto shore - and was dazed and confused. But I felt so alive - so in charge of where I could go next, what I could do.  I did not let that wave break me. If if did, so be it, but I surfed it -- no it was not smart but it was empowering - I realized in this case.... I made the choice, I was not a victim to a perp. I was victim to my own experience, my own choice. I realized, this is the direction I needed to go -- to make my choices,,, MY CHOICES.   This wave taught me the difference between the power of Thoughts (figurative Urge Surfing) and Action (surfing).  We have so much more power over not allowing thoughts to tumble us under -- we can Choose before we Act. If we choose to React to the Urge -- chaos.

I always wondered what it would be like to be one of those people who just coasts through life -- but then... I love adventure, I do take risk -- I am working on making the choices that are right for me (I just trashed a terrifically good paying job - because it was toxic hell) and I never felt more sure. Scared yes, but clear and hopeful.  All part of reinventing self.

Coasting would be boring -- at the very least I know I've lived one hell of a life - and though Im angry at some of what I went through - ... this time, I will make the choices - if I choose to surf the urges and follow my intiution.

I def need a few more surf lessons -- this I know.  I did learn where to find Costa Ricas best Lemonade -- Life is a trip.

You ever get to that place....

You ever get to that place in life where you know the next few months are going to be profound whether you want them to be or not? You look at so many others just going about their business, (not so naive to say they don't have their own issues) --- and yet, you are aware you carry along such a treasure trove of past occurrences of both profound pain and tremendous accomplishment that you dont know quite how to label yourself. You know you dont quite fit in, though you are an expert at seeming so.

But then, the label is written for you -- caste from a 120 question form that blows your mind - for every question where you say yes -- you know the normal answer would be no.... and there it is... a lifetime of accomplishment, glamour, top of class --- having survived through 20 years of captive hell - Complex PTSD? Are you kidding?  No wait, yes.... that's me... now what do I do?